Hello everyone.. I don't even know where to start. I'm so tired of explaining things because I feel as if no one will ever understand, so what's the point? Anyway, I guess I'll start by saying from when I was born until I turned 13 my mom and dad had terrible drinking problems, hit each other, and I had to worry about a lot of things as a child. So many times I told people it didn't bother me, and that I was okay, but now that I'm 17 it's caught up with me and I'm hurting so bad. My parents did finally divorce, and that is when my mom went completely downhill, only drank vodka and barely ate. More things happened but I won't go into detail. She did become sober and has been since, but we've still been having health issues with her and shes super depressed herself.

I dropped out of school because of my anxiety and depression to start online school, that didn't work out because I got so far behind from being in the hospital so much, so I left that too. I have my anxiety under control now and I went and got my GED. I am now enrolled in college. So yes, I do have things to be happy and thankful for, they're just totally covered by all the hurt I'm feeling.

Now lets go back to when I met this guy named Luke, the source of all my upset at them moment. I hope I'm not boring you all too much by now. Everything was great, we got along so well, I had someone to talk to, and I was finally happy. We went to concerts, did a ton of fun things, and he was the sweetest thing. But he also had terrible problems with anger. He'd get angry at me over the smallest things-- he'd tell me to kill myself, call me worthless, and make me cry my eyes out. Oh and I forgot to mention, he lives 800 miles away and he still has the power to do this. We've broken up so many times, but because I don't have any friends, I go back to him because I become so lonely I can't take it. He has these weird grudges of some of my friends, and he tells me I can't go or hang out with people all the time. And if I try too, he threatens me saying, "I'll kill myself/hurt myself" or "I'll embarrass you." And what he means by embarrass is send my friends my nudes, or something worse. I know this isn't right, but he's all I have, and when he's not doing this **** he's so caring. And I need that the most. Whenever i try to leave him he gets so upset, and it breaks my heart.

Ok so lets end this on what happened to night, and why I felt the need to make this account and post here, in hopes someone could help me. We broke up yesterday because I became so fed up with the fighting and him trying to control me. I have never felt so done in my life. Today I woke up and made plans with one of my friends he likes for no damn reason, and he found out. He told me no, and if I go he'll hurt himself or, and I quote, "make my life a living hell." I didn't care, I wanted to go out and get him off my mind. So I lied and said I was going out with a friend he does like instead, but still went out with the one he doesn't. It went smoothly surprisingly, but now I'm sitting in bed, alone again, and I feel absolutely terrible. I turned my phone off and I just know he's crying and probably planning suicide. I just need to get away from him, I feel so hopeless, sad, lonely, and even though I went out today I feel no better at all. I just want all this pain and sadness to go away, but I'm to the point where I feel it never will.

This definitely doesn't go into to much detail, so I don't expect any of you to understand. And that's what's so sad about my depression to me, no one will ever know what I'm feeling. I feel stuck. Please give me some advice, or something to pick me up. Because I'm hurting.

(I'm not going to check over this to see if there is any mistakes. So sorry if it doesn't make sense. Thank you...)