According to my mood chart the past week and a half show that my mood has improved (from severe/moderate depression to moderate/mild depression) however I can't deal with the sudden hike from mild to moderate. When I'm mildly depressed, I can still get work done, I'm able to write, be productive, exercise etc. But as soon as it hikes to moderate I just can't.

It's so amazing when I get that glimpse of hope when I wake up and I'm able to function that when it gets taken away from me it just hurts so much. Even though I'm not severely depressed atm, it's having something so close and then having it taken away from me the next day that really kills me. I'm scared I will never get better and it's becoming difficult.

edit:

Okay so I just got into a small fight with my mum and she says my meds are making me worse. I'm really paranoid that meds are bad for me because I've always had such bad reactions. She thinks the meds are making me moody and irritable, but I was like that off meds when I was depressed too! But it is true since first seeking treatment for depression in december I have gotten worse (though I think this was because I was put on anti-depressants, this was before I was diagnosed with bp II).

When I got back from the Philippines at the start of 2013 I was so happy and at peace and I was so amazed that finally I wasn't depressed after 10 years. I'm freaking out that I'm screwing up with my brain chemistry even more or that this whole bipolar thing isn't real and that I'm just bad and can't control myself. Oh god, I feel so bad and paranoid right now. I just felt like I made so much progress over the years and then december 2013 came around and I just woke up depressed again, no trigger, nothing, it just sucker punched me. I can't believe this, I'm really freaking out now.