What I find Teacake, is that if I "avoid" talking about it, it only comes out in another way. And often the result is not good either. I just experienced that too.

I am in a very difficult IRL constant challenge and no matter how hard I have tried, I have not been able to get rid of it. Every morning I come to PC and I have been waking up earlier and earlier with my brain spinning because it's just been getting worse in the way of my being challenged. I don't want to go out there and postpone taking care of my horses and ponies because there are so many triggers and reminders that I end up exhausted even when I really don't want that. There are the graves, and bad memories there, there are the places where my neighbor popped up and startled me to confront me with either tearing down a no trespassing sign or express anger at me that all happened because they were just plain negligent and they "just" want to avoid it and blame me.

Then the constant struggle with paying on the debt, keeping track of making the payments on time, and sometimes I lose track of time because I am cycling a lot now and I am punished with a penalty. I am not doing well business wise either because I have been cycling so much and am in so much debt I cannot afford to advertise and when I do work, I am really pushing myself because I am often so exhausted from the PTSD and all the negative feedback from my new lawyer because my ex lawyer didn't get the interviews from people when they remembered but now can't remember because it is now 7 years later. And one witness is afraid of my neighbor so doesn't want to testify.

I got in touch with another lawyer that has told me something different and also is a malpractice lawyer, he will review my case for a price and I don't know how I am going to come up with $350 to have that happen, it would not have been so hard if I didn't have this debt, lots of things would be different without this constant debt I keep paying on that I do not deserve to have.

I do want another opinion because the one thing I do not want is to find out something that I could have done, too late and that has been a constant pattern in so many big ways the past seven years alone that I am trying very hard to end that kind of result.

I get triggered is someone tells me to let go or give up too as that will not present any kind of positive at all and in order to understand that people would have to see more than the words I put down here.

I am not doing well at all right now, I wake up and now I just keep crying and want to go back to bed tbh. I try to find ways to "avoid" it or "distract" but I can see how it just comes out in a different way as I mentioned and it doesn't bode well.

Well, at least I have T today, but I don't think there will be enough time to talk about it all the way I need to, it seems that happens much too often lately.

I feel that it "is" important to be able to talk it out as when I go without being able to do that, I don't do well. However, I have been kept in the trauma now
for too many years too, and I have not really been allowed to heal, which is what my T has discussed with me and finds frustrating too. At least "someone" is seeing that too many bad things have been challenging me
that was not fair to me or my fault and has been aggravating the PTSD instead
of my being able to really say, not now.

OE