I know I have to do it for a living. Working for myself and competing for work in a market where the consumer has to have confidence in their builder, I find myself constantly putting on a façade of a happy confident self starter who knows exactly what he is doing and is in total control. A person who can deliver what he says on time on budget and there will be no issue too big that we cannot overcome.

Then there is the me behind the scenes who stresses every time I start a new job for a new customer, one who doubts his abilities and lacks self confidence. I find myself constantly having to push my thoughts to the back of my mind, concentrate on each task one at a time, knowing that if I don't I will succumb to the demons in my head.

The only positive, of having OCD with the bipolar is it makes me predictably compulsive. It makes me a neat worker, where everything has to be neat and tidy, everything has to be in its place, everything has to be done and worked out methodically.

It also costs me work, for I know how things should be done, how they should be built, and it means that I do not take shortcuts even if they cost me money in the long run. It means I have a real hard time getting new customers, but when I do get a new customer they usually love my work because I am clean punctual and always do my best which despite my self confidence issues is usually a good job.

Its the same in other areas of life. You have to hide who you really are for the majority of the time, which is why, in places like this forum, it is so so very relaxing and comforting to be accepted just for who you are and have people like and accept you for being you.

One day there will be a medication that will enable me to be who I want to be without the façade, but for the moment, it does not exist.