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Originally Posted by roads
You're not "bad," sui generis. But you might be bipolar--try to think of a correct diagnosis as finally getting the most current edition of the map you'll use as you move from day to day ... take each as it comes, only a small bite. Today. This hour. Now, sui generis ... if that's the most you can handle without "really freaking out"!
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Somewhat like you, my original diagnosis (decades earlier, in my case) was Clinical Depression.
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You might have missed it in my original post but I have already been diagnosed with bipolar type 2
but yes originally it was major depression + dysthymia for years and I was put on antidepressants around december 2013. So I guess my brain chemistry has also been through a lot because I had to get off antidepressants that were making me rapid cycle then on a mood stabilizer (the nz equivalent to depakote, we have a different name for it haha) and I had a horrible reaction to that...
So now I'm on lamotrigine, and so far I haven't experienced any negative reactions but my mum is making me paranoid that it's making me worse. I think she thinks I should just be suddenly better or something. Generally I can tell very well whether I'm having a bad reaction to the drugs, and I don't feel it's because of the lamotrigine. My gut feeling tells me to stick it out but I think I'm not fully accepting the diagnosis as well as I originally thought I had. I was like that with depression too, I knew it intellectually but emotionally I couldn't accept it for years (and then that dx ends up being wrong, oh dear hahaha).
Quote:
Originally Posted by roads
So yes--mind-altering anything is dangerous and potentially deadly. If you take prescription meds, every time you take a med new for you remember this: You have become the Head Lab Rat on the stage of your life. And there is NO OTHER WAY to learn whether or not it's the "best possible" drug for your mental health needs.
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Ha-ha good thing I've taken the semester off, it's been such a rough road the past 6 months with different medications etc
this has been the longest depressive episode I've ever had. Usually they're about 2 months long and then a sort of dysthymic mood which kinda fades into normality and somewhere there will be a couple of weeks, sometimes a month of hypomania. I've only ever had two stable years, 2010 and 2013.
Quote:
Originally Posted by roads
I trust my pdoc with my life and my sanity. I get second and third opinions if that trust wavers in the slightest. I have his cell phone # and I used it last weekend once my freaked-out, terrified, suicidal self figured out I wasn't insane or demented ... I was on my first & only Bad Trip.
If your pdoc is your BBF, if your trust in your relationship is solid, if you have the absolutely best support team you can ever put together and count on--then I would take your & your mom's concerns to your prescribing psychiatrist and DO NOT LEAVE until you're comfortable with the plan you've come up with, BOTH OF YOU, as a team.
I'm available, dozens to thousands are available to you through PsychCentral. I wish you peace, deep easy breaths, a quiet soul, and your own safe & mostly stable life. 
roads
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My pdoc is good in terms of his manner and he's the only doctor I feel comfortable seeing, he's good at making sure I get the help I need when he knows he can't do it (e.g. referring me to specialists and chasing them up). Unfortunately because I don't drive, my mum has to take me to my appts if I can't get there by public transport and she wants me to see another doctor that's closer. I find that really really stressful because it took me awhile to find a doctor I like
NZ has "free" public health care except that it comes at a cost (ahahaha...) which is I only have a limited number of appointments with the psychiatrist till I can't see him anymore, so there is a lot of pressure to find the right meds for me in time. We decided to push our next appt to about 6 weeks time to give the lamotrigine time to work and I can email him if I need to. I'm happy with that plan because I mean, what else can we do at this point except wait? With my psychologist it's the same deal, there are only 6 appts you're allowed and I JUST started opening up fully on the 6th appt (she gave me one more appt tho yay). So it's not really possible to have a support team long term =\ and there is no way I can afford to go outside the public system.
Also I have to be honest, I don't like bringing my mum along to these appointments because she just makes me anxious
And thank you for this reply
it's good to just talk this out with someone
and yes peace and mostly stable life is what I really need haha!