well i guess i've had three sessions since i last posted here. they fade so fast... documenting them here helps me keep them straight. i didn't document them and now it is hard to remember...

anger. we talked about anger though. and he said it was okay for me to feel angry in session. i wasn't angry at him, of course. but angry, yeah.

i can't be in the moment. i didn't say that but it is true. i talked to him about transference and about some of my transference responses to people. one of those transference responses in particular. i said i couldn't figure out what i did to prompt / inspire the old pattern of interrelating. i figure i must be doing something because it is indeed an old pattern of interrelating. but i can't figure out the past from the present i can't figure out my contribution to present circumstances and the other persons contribution to present circumstances. it is just one big muddled mess.

i talked a bit about some of the therapy i've had with other people too. and i told him that i had started seeing someone before i started working with him but that i hadn't seen her since i saw him. told him that i find it really very hard to attach to female clinicians and to feel connected with them. that that came easier with male clinicians... and he muttered something along the lines of 'well we will see where that goes'. i guess he was thinking about the rage and maybe about possible seduction too...

i said that i always wanted to do something psychodynamic and so i was really pleased when i found him and he was willing to work with me. that the closest i'd come was seeing p-docs for a couple months before they moved on as they tend to in the public system. he muttered something about 'well we haven't really begun yet...' i think he meant that we haven't begun interpreting yet (and when he tries i tend to be dismissive) and that we haven't begun to talk about our present relationship (transference) in therapy yet.

in the last session he tried to get me talking about our present relationship. usually when we get into the therapy room he asks 'how are you' and i go 'fine' and then there is some silence... and after a while he starts to ask me questions and eventually i get into talking about my week... and eventually i get into talking about stuff that feels more meaningful. i'm alright once i get going but i guess i'm not very good at getting going. last time he started talking about how the therapy relationship is hard because it isn't reciprocal and because i have to talk about me but he doesn't talk very much about him. and he was talking about how i get on with talking to people outside therapy (trying to assess whether i'm hard to converse with in general i suppose).

i found it... distasteful. don't like to talk about being there with him. he said something about that too. about how there are cues in therapy like tone of voice and posture and the like... i'm not sure what he was getting at but i felt really uncomfortable. i sit fairly rigidly and don't look at him. i'm not sure where he was going with that... quite what i was meant to say. i'm feeling like that a bit now. 'what am i meant to say?' 'how am i meant to get started'? 'what am i meant to be doing'? feeling a little lost. just want him to take the direction kind of and then i can figure out my own and what i want by bouncing off of him. maybe i could have said that.

and he talked about my online interactions. about how you don't have these tone of voice and posture cues and the like. i think he gets how it is safer for me online. he has said to me before 'its okay we are just two people in a room talking'. but now i think he is getting the notion that that is actually fairly threatening really.

i see him once more next thursday (he made a special once off time before easter) then he is away for 3 weeks. we are going to try and email but he mutters about his email being unreliable...

i'm feeling disconnected. i felt so connected on tuesday and had three really terrific days. productive. happy. but friday was hard. i feel like... he is a bit close. i can't be with him in the present. it is a bit close.

i dodge out from under people.

can talk about the present here and now by implication (by talking about patterns going on elsewhere and by implying a relation). but not directly. i really am so very fragile.

i wonder if he likes me?
if he regrets taking me on?

i told him that they are just stories. just stories. don't know how he feels about that. i mean, how he really feels about that when he actually takes it on board (instead of writing it off as denial).

i'm scared of him.