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I've posted a few times, but I'm new to all this. I have PTSD. Maybe if I get this out it will help me sleep. I don't know what to do. I just want some kind of peace.
I was sexually abused as a child for a long time. I was 8 when I was raped the first time. It continued for a few years. It was my babysitter's brother and his friend. They hurt me physically as well. I had to have surgeries because of the internal damage. My cervix had been ruptured but I never told anyone. I didn't even know about sex until then but I felt so ashamed. I still remember being in a panic to hide the bloody clothes because I didn't want to get in trouble. I felt like my mom and dad would hate me.
When I was 15 I started dating my husband. We married when I was 19, Everything was ok for the first 5-6 years but then he started saying terrible things when he was mad and trying to control everything I did. He didn't let me talk to anyone, barely even family. I couldn't have a phone or wear anything he didn't approve of. If I wore any makeup he would tell me I was a ***** and to go wash it off. Then a few months ago he got mad and left one night and he stayed gone a few days. I felt a lot better when he was gone and I realized that I didn't want to be around him anymore. I told him that and that's when he turned into a monster. He started abusing me really bad and threatening to kill me. I had to fear for my life every day for a couple months. He first started throwing things, then throwing things at me, then throwing me into walls,then hitting me with objects, then slapping me, then kicking me repeatedly... He kicked me repeatedly between my legs so much that he damaged the nerves and fractured my pelvic bones in 3 places. I peed blood for a week. Then a little over a month later the scar tissue formed and caused so much damage that I had to have a total hysterectomy. I'm only 32. I NEVER thought he would do those things to me. I really loved him but not now. He hurt me so much. He started trying to force me to have sex with him. This was after he would beat the crap out of me. He wasn't nice about it either. He tried to hurt me and wanted to see me suffer. He said things to me that I can't get out of my head. I felt like I was in hell. Being raped is the worst feeling I've ever had-you feel so helpless and humiliated, but being raped by someone that you loved so much...it feels like your soul is being crushed. I trusted him, I have children with him. I thought about when we sat together and listened to our twins heartbeats for the first time. I trusted him, and it turned into this. Its an evil betrayal. I don't know how I can get over it. I sleep an hour or so at a time and when I sleep it happens over and over and over. I'm afraid to sleep because I don't want to feel everything again. It doesn't matter that I'm asleep because the pain is real and I have to deal with it everyday. I worry it won't go away. God, it hurts so much and I am wasting my life like this. I feel angry when I really think about it. I try to treat people good and I don't know why my life is so hard but I don't want to feel angry. I don't want to be ungrateful. I'm thankful for my life but I wish I could be happy. This is hurting worse than I thought, so I better stop for now. Thank you for reading.
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