There are times when I find myself actually wanting something real, instead of just my fantasies lately. Admittedly, yes, a lot of them are about my T. I cling to them like a bad habit because they help me get through a miserable boring work day.

A lot of people have disappointed me in my life. I don't even hold high standards anymore. But I realize I'm turning my T into someone who can hurt me, and lately, I realize how that isn't right. I'm making him into my enemy instead of my advocate. I'm pushing him away because I care so much. I don't want to care anymore. It's too much. He sparks these feelings of life in me. I know I should be able to do this on my own.

I realize more and more that absolutely nobody on this earth is perfect, including him. I've been acting the way I do with him because I want to really see him, to see his capacity as a human being. And it isn't fair to him. I obviously have more going on here than just him. I'm sure you will all say, "just talk about it." And I want to. But I don't want to get left feeling worse than I did coming in.

He's teaching me some amazing lessons on what it feels like to really care about someone. I want to give him a chance to explore that even more.. But the depths I might sink into. I don't want to bring him down into it. I just want his unconditional caring, I know he could offer that, if I let him. Again, I am so scared. I'm scared that it's pointless, because when I care, I care too much.

I just want to ask him point blank. Can you handle me? Funny, it's been ten months, and I feel that the real work here has to start. It has to. Going on like this with all these insane feelings just doesn't make sense anymore. I just want to let the words fall out and not care about how I sound or how stupid I look. I want to convey to him just how much I hurt. He's my rock, but I won't even really use it to its full capacity. Maybe I am wasting my time. Certainly, if I keep all this unsaid.

This Friday's session is going to be so important. I know I say that every time, but really, dicking around like I have, playing games. It's frustrating. I'm ****ing sick of this. I want to know how to ask for love and affection instead of just pushing it away. I need him to help me, and ultimately, that is what I really want. Everything else is just fantasy, and it isn't real. I want to start being real.

“I’m good at loving books. I’m good at loving soft bed sheets. I’m good at loving coffees and teas. I am good at loving things that can’t love me back, that don’t have the power to leave. And maybe, that’s why I love them.”