Today I had to face a really tough meeting of my peers, I planned in my mind how I could do it respectfully and kindly while advocating for some change that I saw needed to happen. I was terrified, but I spoke up and it was going well.

Then bam....someone has their say and turns the discussion on to me specifically, attacking someone else in the group for their treatment towards me over the last couple of weeks......and I can not control myself. I started crying, I was terrified, I wanted to run away, I DID NOT WANT THIS TO BE DISCUSSED in front of everyone. I felt like a cornered animal, as I can imagine the other lady did also.....she became aggressive(part of the problem) and I just crumbled.

I reacted, I wasn't able to respond from an adult wise mind perspective....I got defensive and said what should have been said in private. What happened was exactly what I had been trying to avoid.......

I now I just look stupid, childish, petty, weak, disrespectful. I am soo ashamed, and I ought not be...because I was standing up for others that had been treated badly, and myself also.....and because someone forced an issue out in to the open, I felt forced in to a position I didn't want to be in.

I don't know, I am really p issed off at myself for not being able to control my fear response, for not being able to maintain calm and perspective....for acting badly. I am just soo ashamed, and humiliated right now it is awful. I hate having this thing that feels like a curse! I want to have myself back