....I feel like I'm right back where I started....

Does anyone else ever feel this way? I mean, come on!!! I've been at this for at least a decade and some days like today, I feel like all the progress I've made has been a total waste of time because I suddenly realize there's some glaringly obvious detail I have chosen to either ignore or deny or maybe I'm just too stupid to comprehend - except that I'm pretty sure I'm not at all stupid.

Yeah, okay, so I know I do this because the pain is just too much to handle, but dammit, I'm tired of this! I want it to be over. I want to be able to say to myself, "You're okay! You're finally okay!"

No more sleepless nights or crying until the sun comes up.....

I get so bloody tired of it sometimes.....

I have a good life. I really do. I have a husband, father, and children who love and support me and I am so thankful for them, always. I'm truly blessed. What do I have to really complain about? Just when I think I have it all figured out, and that I can finally find peace, some new thought or insight invades my brain and I feel like I'm right back at the beginning - all those years ago, when I was clueless and only knew that a part of me was dying inside while another part of me was so thankful and I feel so confused, all wrapped up at the same time........

I am not making a bit of sense, am I? Ah well, it's not the first time and it won't be the last, apparently.

I'm just tired of trying to understand things that to me, are unfathomable.