Dear Werewoman,

I totally hear you..and understand. Have BPD too and read all the time and feel such guilt for not being what "I used to be" or "better" or "more grateful" or better mother/daughter etc or whatever.

These tailspins and depressive episodes are so draining and frustrating and getting up YET AGAIN just BITES...
My T is really patient and understanding and I do NOT understand how he can be so with ME...ughhh. If I just had 1/28th of his patience...

They way he said it to me...which I hang on to dearly...is that I have emotional needs and pain that I just don't know how to soothe or get soothed and thus I sometimes act out (in)...
we are so sensitive to this pain and our pain receptors are so overwhelmed that we do things and think things that others don't understand or can't relate to.

We are actually quite courageous and brave and patient in perspective to what we feel. He calls me a feeler. Thank goodness he says he is a feeler to. So sometimes he pauses...because he is translating what he wants to say into "'feeling" words so that I can hear him better. Of course, I have to look up, because my little feeler decrepit mind thinks he is getting impatient or frustrated with me... but he is also showing me that he is listening, understands and is right there.

Yesterday he was like 10 min. late finishing up with prior client and dealing with something...I was early and it was a very important session for ME...I was already in tears before he came to get me. I was just hurting THAT MUCH!!! I truly was in agony. NO ONE else gets that or can feel it or understand it. If most people felt as MUCH as we do...they would do crazy things to get their needs met too. The pain and feelings are REAL. Our reactions and knee jerk reactions and warped ability to read responses from others just intensifies these feelings and then shame spirals...

Reality check? We are trying...we are working really hard...we are brave...we are worth it....

Hang in there and gentle hugs for being as brave and loving and sensitive as you really are. We will find a way...somehow. We are just doing the best that we can. (sending you some of T's patience as I don't have any today..lol)

Hope this wasn't too jumbly....
Gentle hug,
-WB