ive been seeing my T for 4 years. When we first started meeting i had 0 trust in him. i tested him a lot to see if he really cared. i acted out my emotions rather than verbalizing them and processing them. i would pull him in close to me and then push him away. i saw him as a threat yet i wanted to be able to know he cared about me. its so confusing when we have conflicting feelings. over the years and through many trials and tribulations i have learned that my T cares about me very much, goes out of his way to help me, and isnt going to hurt or abandon me. i can now talk about my feelings with him if he does something that makes me angry or hurts my feelings instead of taking it out on my body as a way to punish him. it takes a long time to get past that place. lots of patience and confronting the issue head on. i went from that phase into a very dependent phase with him. i was depressed and suicidal a lot. i would text him any time i felt bad or was thinking about suicide. at first he would respond but then he stopped. we had a particularly hard session in which he told me that i couldnt text him anymore because it distresses him and scares him when i talk about my plans to kill myself. He said that if he responded to me in those times that it was reinforcing my inability to cope and wanting him to fix it for me. After that session we didnt text for months. then he texted me one day and we text again now. our relationship is much more stable now. i no longer feel like he is the only one who can help me cope when im having a bad day. i have learned tools and self care techniques to help myself cope during a time when im struggling. thats not to say i dont need T sometimes because I do. but i learned that i have the ability to care for myself and internalize our relationship. i dont question whether he cares about me now, i feel secure in knowing that he does, even if sometimes he chooses not to respond to my text or email.

i guess i just wanted to relate to your situation. but there is a way to recover, to learn how healthy relationships work, and to feel more secure in your attachment to ur T and other people in ur life. the work is hard and grueling, and sometimes, painful, but very healing. i know u know the answer is to just talk about it, but i also know its easier to avoid it becasue it might be embarrassing or too painful and scary. i hope that u find the courage to be really candid with ur T about this and i hope that he has the resources, skills, and care to guide u through this.

edit: i dont want it to seem like i have this all figured out . im still learning every day. recovery is a journey and it is most certainly not linear. there are ups and downs, good days and bad days, steps forward then steps back. i dont want to come across as a know it all or anything. because im not. at all.