Stuck a trigger on it, just in-case.

I feel like crap. I'm sick of feeling alone. I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm angry that I'm sad. I'm frustrated. I think being single so long is starting to get to me, ... until that changes, I'm gonna just keep going along, feeling like I'm doing things alone, ... I don't really like the idea that I'm "battling" this crap solo. I miss feeling like there's was "another half". Life just seems so empty, ... I fill it with as much as I can, but it keeps missing the one thing that I feel like I can't have, ... it kind of feels like I'm not allowed to have it. I don't even know if I'm capable of it. Too worried. Too fearful. Too much of a coward.

I need to get OUT more, ... going to the shops 5 or so minutes walk away is not really going out, but that, for me, is quite a good thing... it was a challenge, it was an achievement, now it's less so, ... I'm not sure what's worse, now, ... OCD, anxiety or depression. I haven't visited my brah (best mate of 8 or so years) in months, because of all this, whatever "this" is. I managed to go to town, a few days ago, ... that was an OK day... I was stronger. I need to feel alive. I miss the one thing that made me feel alive, but ironically, that is something that threatens one of the things I love the most: being alive.

Just one of those days, maybe, ... except this is how I always feel, I'm just good at squishing it all the way down, so I can pretend.

Anyway, no woman around here (my town, and any other towns I go to, or have gone to.. so basically, 3 ... don't even get me started on that big city.) would consider me as a potential.. thing.. they're too busy sticking their noses at people like us, ...y'know, "unhealthy". Yeah, I have mental health problems. I'm "ill". I'm "disabled". How can I stick at a relationship, knowing I'm always going to be this pathetic, useless ****-up. Maybe I'm wrong, ... I hope I'm wrong, ... but it's hard to think otherwise. Ever tried an online dating site? Ever SEEN the sort of shallow, obnoxious, arrogant women that reside there? It's a let-down. No, I'm sorry, lady, I don't travel, I'm not rich with my own business and fast car, and no, sorry lady, but I'm not looking for a big family of a bazillion kids, and guess what, Miss Lookatmyboobs, but I'm actually a bit too sensitive to jump in the sack with you THAT quickly, so you can figure out whether you want to establish an emotional connection with me!

ARGH.

So yes. Angry, but also depressed.

Sorry. Been a while since I've just blurrrrghed a load of feelingy crap out.

EDIT:

I don't understand how you all do it. So many happily married people, and people with girlfriends and boyfriends, ... what am I missing? You've all got mental health problems, many worse than I, and you manage wonderful relationships. 'o.O It entirely confuses me. It's not just that, either, ... so many of you seem to work, ... great jobs... heck, I know one who's an assistant nurse, ... nice woman... I dunno how she does it. It's not even like I'm all THAT messed up... I have my legs. I have my ears. I have my eyes. I can speak. I can feel. I can walk. Am I just THAT much of a failure? I guess at least the relationship thing comes down to how much I close myself off, ... struggle to connect... struggle to have a bit of hope/faith... can't be that great if that last woman to be with me wanted to.. ergh nevermind.

I've not had one of these stupid moments in a long time... let me off with this one, please?

OK... I'll leave this thread here, but I'm gonna just pretend I didn't submit it for a while. OK... ignorance is [beep] bliss.