hi
a slight introduction first. i am 35 yrs old guy married with no kids.

when i was a child about 7 years old, my elder brother and his friend introduced me to marriage and sex. this was followed by getting me to suck them off. Once they penetrated me for short while. i had erections and ejaculation many times in the play which went on for many times. the method they used was that i would l lay down and they would put their penis in between my legs and jerk off that way.in addition i had to do oral sex on them.
this continued for some time. they tried to get me to introduce a female friend of mine in their play but i got scared and backed off.

what happened as a result of that was that i became submissive all the time. i had a hard time saying no. i could not speak up. whatever happened in my life felt to be connected to that incident. i felt the need to win every time. if i loose i felt the same feeling of loser and exploitation.however i could never speak up

another effect was that that incident started to play in my mind again and again. i felt like lying down and getting penetrated. when i was a teenager i used small things up my *** to see what it felt like....the same feeling came again the feeling of being away from this world but if i look at the physical aspect i never enjoyed it. secondly i started to withdraw. i never made any female friends. i felt the need to hide that secret thing and was afraid that if i open up and be like normal again i will be exposed.

when i grew up i had thoughts of the same experience going on and on like film and like someone had turned on a button and i began to doubt if i was gay. i went to a gay club / had sex and did stuff but mentally i was on torture. i withdrew even more afraid of people finding out what i was doing.....strangely people started to behave like i was gay though i never told anyone.....i gues my body language started to become like that.

i started going to prostitutes (female)....never enjoyed sex....mainly due to premature ejaculation....then got married. but still not enjoying as i believe i should have been. i still have the problem of premature ejaculation and donot enjoy much.i cannot open much to my wife. sadly we donot have any kids
i look at porn but when i am with my wife, i start seeing the defects in her body, her stomach fat, her body hair,i start feeling kind of repulse. if i look at her picture i feel attracted to her.
i have now started to have the same feelng of childhood. the effects seem to be coming back...i feel like going to some,lying down, and leaving my body there. around and letting people do stuff to me.
i donot want to but something in me wants to go to that same feeling. i want to be nude and be around nude people and let people do things to me and be submissive...this all is hurting my life

i went to a psychiatrist few years and it helped me a lot but i now feel that i am going in reverse now.now one part is making me go there again like i am on auto pilot but i am resisting.
i am very religious. after this incident i start to go overboard on right and wrong, to the point of basically not enjoying my life and making things difficult for myself.
i am not gay nor do i have any feelings. but the incident / past seems to be pushing itself on me. I feel mental pressure.