hey there.

Connection comes and goes sometimes for me. It's hard when I don't feel it as much in one session as in another. I just went yesterday and that kept running through my mind: "I don't feell as connected today. It scares me." I know I should have spoken that thought, as all thoughts, but I didn't. Sometimes I feel something in therapy but can't put words to it right then.

I also feel like you that I have been avoiding opportunities my T has put out there to talk more about things. Being dismissive about it. I think they completely understand that it is our way of saying "I'm not ready to talk about that yet" and if we could actually say that in session it would be a victory and would be very helpful. I have decided to try to do that next time.

I thnk he wants to help you learn to be able to talk about things easier and not have to look for cues and clues. I understand that too. It makes me feel I need to be vigilant and guess instead of being direct about finding out. When I can be direct I don't have to look for cues or guess; my concerns get answered quicker and I can deal with whatever that answer is. Sometimes worrying about what the answer might be ("what if") is can be harder on me than dealing with the truth. But, can I remember that? No. sigh... so I do it again and again.. . It sounds like your T is patient and kind.

I think it takes time to get used to psychodynamic therapy. It is different, and what we want, but still hard to get used to. Ambivalent. A word she used to describe how I am sometimes. I thought I knew what it meant but I looked it up and I was wrong. It is not about vagueness as I thought.. it is about being pulled in more than one direction. I want this therapy. I want this type of therapy. I want it to be about me, yet I don't want to be in the spotlight. I want to talk about things but I don't. Ambivalence. I tihnk we'll get used to it, ak.