earlier i convinced myself that T had died and the program im in was covering it up. i had texted him this morning and asked if he was alive and he didnt answer. so i got really scared about it. i really thought he was dead. i texted my nurse and asked if she had seen him today. it took her a while to get back to me so i thought that he was dead and she was trying to hide it from me. but she texted me back and said he was at work. then T texted me and said he is fine just really busy. i felt so relieved that he was alive. i told him that i thought he was dead and was scared about them hiding it from me. he said that was paranoia. i didnt think of it as paranoia when it was going on, but now i can see that it was. they both asked me if i was hearing voices but im not. T texted me and said my nurse was worried about me. so i texted my nurse and told her i was ok and felt better. she said shes glad and will always worry about me cuz im her favorite. that made me feel good.

i went shopping with my friend after all this. i feel so glad T is ok. i was for sure he died. i dont know why i thought that in the beginning. i just felt like i had a sense of it. idk