I'm sorry you felt so out of control that you felt the only way out was to hurt yourself. I think taking pills can be the worst form of self harm (in a sense) because you don't feel instantaneous effects so it urges you to take more for relief, and also you don't know the real harm it is doing internally to your body till after - like your double vision, need to sleep excessively, not able to make coherent thought processes etc. All those are after effects that I can imagine you didn't want when you took them - or did you? Sometimes I know the healing part afterwards can be part of the appeal to self harm.

I really think you should tell your pdr about your research now. Perhaps take someone along with you to ensure you use the half hour effectively (half an hour is rubbish and I feel for you as you likely need more time to talk through it all!).

I wasn't sure who you contacted initially to say you had taken pills - was it a friend or therapist? It is tough and painful you did so after you'd taken the pills, but I'm glad you felt able to contact them at all.... It is so good you have that person in your life you can turn to and a friend willing to support you in crisis. Perhaps one day you'll be able to contact them before you do anything.

Without wishing to put any positive spin on a truly upsetting and terrifying experience - but the self awareness that you are going downhill will one day be helpful. It is a step in the right direction (ha couldn't help but be slightly encouraging - I get how irritating that can be after a trauma!). But maybe one day you might even say that you don't want to hurt yourself and be able to reach out before it gets too much, if you can.

I hope you get the meds you need, or you have someone to talk to afterwards if he withholds this from you till he can ascertain its safe to offer you them again.

I'm sorry you are in so much pain, I relate. Take care of yourself today whilst you feel sick.