howdy. I'm cubshadow the frailboy phaser. 20 years old, I was officially diagnosed with D three years ago. I had an event and spent some time getting my stomach pumped in the hospital, with little follow-up. My primary care decided to give me Prozac, and I don't need to tell any of you what that did for me. from there it was lamictal, seroquel, a few others. I moved to Cleveland for school and ended up trying to take my life with a left over bottle of Prozac. dropped out, became incredibly med-aversive (an attitude which I'm still trying to climb out of) and have been experiencing rapid declines in my mental health. Ive been in hospitals all across the country 5 times since then. I've given up awesome opportunities because I'm incapable of doing the work. I'm bipolar I, and I'm pretty sure I'm schizoaffective as well but I haven't been to a psych in two years to know for sure. it's greatly inhibiting my ability to feel at one with the world. I don't want to be here, so attaching myself to human processes and following through with responsibilities is an incredibly difficult task. I had a nice job barbacking, making good money, had a breakdown, and now they're slowly trying to let me go. the worst part about all of this is I've grown to accept my multiple, fluctuating realities as the cold icy definition of who I am on this earth. it's become my persona. I defend it. and so the perceived normality makes it difficult to go for a psych. I also hate the mental health system, and have had a ton of bad experiences and bad psychs. without a car it's tough to get to the suburbs, where they all are... anyway. I'm cubshadow. certifiably not-well, if anyone wants to share delusions or strange stories of manic episodes, by all means. I can relate.

oh, and mostly, I want perspective. I have a lot of probably damaging philosophies and I'm sure that reaching out to people who are stable with this condition will inspire me to actually get some help.