This will be quite long, so if you don't want to read it all, fair enough, but please refrain from commenting if you haven't.

I live at home, though I'm planning on moving out as soon as possible. Yesterday I had a rough breakdown, it wasn't easy and today I cleaned my room, it helped a bit.

I don't have any support from home nor from friends, because my family doesn't know and because I don't have any friends. I talk to people online, but that only yields so much.

My mother doesn't understand and isn't even trying to. I've given all the signs, it's all there, right in front of her, but she just get's mad and tells me I'm being a martyr and other patronizing comments. My father, well he's never saying anything.

It all started when I was 13, I had no friends, I was moving from school to school because I was being bullied. I finished high school with terrible grades, only an A+ in English.

Of course I did make friends, but they avoided me and the connection was lost. I never seemed to click with anyone, never seemed to fit in. I always thought something was wrong with me, I still do. Maybe I'm too practical, maybe the way I think is wrong etc.

It's stressful, always doubting yourself, always questioning your own logic, your own mentality. It's like I don't know who I am..

I got a sister and a brother, they don't understand anything either, siding with my mom, telling me I need help, that I'm wrong, that I always act out. Whenever my sister lost something, I was the suspect. Whenever something went wrong, it was my fault.

There's so many events that has left eternal marks on me, so many things that in my head, was so wrong. In my family, bringing up things from the past, incidents and such, it's not acceptable, because that means you're living in the past and you're judged, aka I get called a martyr.

Whenever I mention how much I do around the house, how hard I work to keep everything from falling apart, how much I really put my back into it - I'm "God's golden child" among other things, in the most degrading, patronizing way.

I feel guilty for feeling like I'm not appreciated, but in my head, it's because I'm really not appreciated at all. I don't smoke, which my brother does and in the past, that was a huge no-no, but now my parents don't really seem to care. I don't lie, I don't keep bad friends, I never borrow from my parents, I never get my dad to pick me up or drive me whenever I need to go somewhere.

I'm practical, I think of it in a way that spares my parent the worry and trouble, because I really don't like to trouble people with my life.

But when I mention this to them, again it's me who's the black sheep.

Is it so wrong to think of your family and not wanting to burden them with everything?

I never do anything for my own gain, I clean the house so my mom doesn't have to, I wash my own clothes, keep a steady economy for myself and pitch in with buying groceries and stuff for the household. I help whenever I can, but when I speak up and try to stand up for myself, saying that it's unfair that my brother for instance, never does anything, perhaps mows the lawn once in a blue moon and ASKS TO BE PAID? Is that just me being a huge martyr?

My brother is 18, he has ADHD, but is off meds, because he says he's doing fine without it. I disagree, he's aggressive and spiteful, he's unfocused and easily irritated. Anyways, he lives here, my sister moved out years ago, but visits every month. My brother isn't working atm, but when he was he made more money than I did and oddly enough, it was all gone within 2 weeks of being paid. He borrowed money not only from my parents, but from me as well and often never paid back, because of various and extremely questionable reasons.

When my parents found out he was smoking, they confronted him hundreds of times and always, he said no. They let it slide, over and over again, he has told more lies than the truth and what upsets me the most, is that they never do anything but reprimand him. No consequences, no nothing.

My mother even paid his phone bills, helped him out whenever he had wasted away all his money.

If I were to ask for money, I'd straight away get a huge no and they'd interrogate me about where my money were, what I had wasted them on.

I know this, because when I went to visit my ex in January and had spent little over half of my savings, came back and they asked how much I had spent - they, including my sister, looked at me with disappointment and what not.

My sister still brings up my savings, saying that maybe it's time I move out, perhaps I should get a car and such.

I'd never meddle in her business, mostly because of the past and how she still tries to control my life.

I never ask about her economy, never tell her what to buy.

But with my brother, this whole ordeal is just right out unfair. Yesterday, before my breakdown, my parents and I had a huge fight and no surprise, they were all mad at me.

I had chosen to ignore my brother, because he had told the lie that ended up being the last straw for me and what I could take. He's 18, acting out and is taking no responsibility for himself or his actions.

I had overheard a phone call between him and one of his friends, it was about drawing a mutual former friend of theirs out an apartment, it sounded very wrong and very illegal, so I told my parents.

They confronted him and once again, he lied and they believed him, let it slide once again and with no consequences.

I said it was unfair, because had I acted like that, done what he did, I'd be sent away from home right away.

They both got furious at me and I was sent to my room.

I spent the night crying and I just can't take this anymore. I feel so misunderstood, so mistreated and so lost.

I've been thinking of willingly admitting myself to the hospital for the summer, I just can't stay here anymore.

I can't tell them about my depression, exactly because of how they've reacted when I tried to in the past.

I can't get help from anyone in my family, they barely know me and we're not that close at all.

I feel as if I'm going insane.

Whenever I try to reason with my parents, they just put up barricades and lock me out, they don't even try to see it from my point of view.

In their world, problems are solved by forgiving and forgetting. No need to improve, no need for consequences. Had my brother stolen a car or killed someone, they would still see him as their favorite son and my sister as their favorite daughter.

I just don't understand their way of thinking, their way of parenting.

Or maybe I'm just wrong...