Hi there, Nat92. I'll just reply as I'm reading, as this is quite a long message, and I may forget if I reply at the end. xD
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I live at home, though I'm planning on moving out as soon as possible. Yesterday I had a rough breakdown, it wasn't easy and today I cleaned my room, it helped a bit.
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Ooo yeh. Tidy bedroom, tidy mind - am I right?
I feel all over the place when my room is a tip; once its tidy, I start feeling a little together.
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I talk to people online, but that only yields so much.
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Agreed.
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I've given all the signs, it's all there, right in front of her
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Back in the old days, I also had it all there for everyone to see. (I think at some point I realised I had OCD, and kept trying to tell people, but they weren't having it) My dad was the hardest person to convince I had some serious problems; it wasn't his fault, though. Back then, we saw a child-psychologist, who was a complete spoon, saying all EVERYTHING I did, was because of
mummy and
daddy splitting up; what a load of nonsense. ¬_¬
But yeah, when you're trying to say "Help!" and nobody listens, ... it's aggravating - if that's what you're getting at, then I totally relate. Luckily, as life went on, things started getting more obvious, I started getting worse, getting older so it wasn't just fobbed off with kid stuff, and so I ended up
eventually getting some level of recognition (that I had these problems) and then some support. (meds, CBT, support offers I declined, and awaiting supported housing)
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I finished high school with terrible grades, only an A+ in English.
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That's amazing. 'o.O I also did a lot of that moving around; it was horrible. So hard to settle. I came out of school with NO grades, thanks to bullying, home troubles, mental health, yadda yadda. My education came after school, when I taught myself. (lots of time on my hand, and the desire to learn, or "undo" the mess) So, I'd say you did quite well getting an A+ in English! Is English something you enjoy? 'cause that'd be a bonus.
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It's stressful, always doubting yourself, always questioning your own logic, your own mentality. It's like I don't know who I am..
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Literally just said out-loud: "Aaaa, God yeh, you're telling me!" xD So basically, I know exactly how
that feels! Particularly, because of my OCD. But yeah, it takes a lot of energy. >.<
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Whenever I mention how much I do around the house, how hard I work to keep everything from falling apart, how much I really put my back into it - I'm "God's golden child" among other things, in the most degrading, patronizing way.
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And I'm betting it's double-standards, in that they can praise themselves and not get patronizing remarks.
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Is it so wrong to think of your family and not wanting to burden them with everything?
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I don't think it's wrong, but I
do think family should be there for each other. (which they are not, for you)
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When my parents found out he was smoking, they confronted him hundreds of times and always, he said no. They let it slide, over and over again, he has told more lies than the truth and what upsets me the most, is that they never do anything but reprimand him. No consequences, no nothing.
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Egh, God, I had a similar thing with my sister; she was like the "golden child", but me? I was the black sheep (still am, really) that does everything wrong and can't do anything right. It's no wonder I instantly feel guilty for crap that has
nothing to do with me, ... but I'll find a way to make it about me. (not in a self-centered way, ... hopefully xD)
Yeah, I relate to a lot of that, unfortunately. :\
For me, it got easier as the years went by, ... I got smarter, my dad got smarter. As for my mother, I haven't seen her in over 10 years, nor heard even her voice, so I have no clue what the heck she thinks about me. (probably all sorts of horrible, crazy stuff. :\)
Keep sharing stuff here, if it helps get it out. I'd say you've earned it.
Take care.