Hey guyinlahore,

First I'm sorry about what happened to you as a child. I agree with Travelinglady that you should start seeing a therapist, and check out the Survivors forum.

As for what you're going through now, I know exactly how you feel. Although I find my fiancé very physically and mentally attractive, I can't bring myself to have sex. With your wife, would turning the lights off help?

I think you should talk to her about what you're going through. Tell her it's not her fault and reassure her of that, but do tell her what you're feeling. That way the two of you can explore other options in the bedroom that make you feel more comfortable.

And lastly, this might not help and could make it worse, but I thought I would tell you about it anyway. Do you have any interest in the fetish scene? Specifically sub/Dom stuff. If you're at a place where you actually WANT to explore those feelings of submission in a safe place I would tell you to look into it. Those feelings are surprisingly normal, and lots of people who have never suffered abuse (including lots of men) enjoy this fetish, as well as the community that surrounds it and is quite supportive. It can be unsafe if you are with someone who does not understand you, your limits, or what they're doing, but if they do then it can be a quite rewarding experience. Perhaps check out some of the community stuff with your wife! I assure you that a married couple will not be out of place.