My fiancé asked me last night if he could get a list of things that he can do to turn me on. I didn't have an answer, and also got very anxious to the point of practically passing out right after.

My fiancé and I know I am uncomfortable with sex. We have sex maybe once a month, if that. It use to be more but I was having way more panic attacks and often stopped half way through.

He said he is okay with it, and doesn't want to push me, that he's happy just to masturbate, and I believe this but I still feel guilty. I don't think it's pushing us apart but I worry it will, that because I don't put out enough he'll leave. I know he won't but I'm scared because sex was such an expected thing, not just for me and my ex's, but also some of my friends.

Now talking about sex makes me want to cry and curl up into a ball. Being naked, no issue. Cuddling naked, no issue. Kissing lightly, no issue. Kissing deeply or more? I freak.

All of the things that use to turn me on I don't want. I use to really enjoy being 'slave' in role play, or rape fantasy, or BDSM, or the idea of being on display (either through pictures, or for real). The only time I was comfortable not being "underneath" my parter was giving with a strap-on, but my fiancé doesn't want to try it so that's out. I don't want to do any of the things that use to turn me on anymore because I use to hide in them when I was scared and let my partner do things to me that "put me in my place". Some of my reactions point to abuse in my past, and friends often assume that I was abused, but I don't remember anything clearly and doctors don't think I was. Still, essentially being abused is the only place I feel really comfortable and can actually cum in sex. I don't want that with my fiancé.