Well it went ok. I did write a list somewhat, of why I wanted to resume therapy with a new therapist, but I didn't end up sharing it with him. I did talk about my ex-t and the issue there, however I did not go into the extent of my craziness with it, I just mentioned that I emailed him and he had stopped responding, and in his last email he had mentioned for me to see someone else... I also told new t how I obsessively think about my ex-t and how I know this isn't healthy. New t acknowledged my feelings of abandonment and asked if I had been attracted to my ex-t. I told new-t that I had been, and he said that it must have scared my ex-t.

I can't imagine what my ex-t must be feeling towards me but I'm sure it is nothing short of hatred. I'm glad I'm talking to a new t finally, and hope to resolve my own feelings of abandonment and obsessive thoughts. I've given up on ever seeing or speaking to ex-t again.

As for the other questions hazelgirl suggested, I asked about what type of therapy new t does and he said some gestalt and that he uses hypnosis.

I was too ashamed to ask him about availability and contact outside of sessions - the goal is to NOT do these types of behaviors so I don't even want to know.

As for fees, he took down my insurance, but as I have the bare minimum, he said it would probably all just go towards my deductible (which is high) and that if need be, he can do sliding scale but the lowest he will go is $45 per session (to which I said - great!).

After talking about some of my other issues, I asked if he was interested in any of that or if I should see someone else (me trying to take care of the t's needs as usual and thinking that if I'm not the slightest bit interesting to them, it will just be more bother and pain that it's worth to the t)... Because, let's be honest, all t's have their special interests and their pathology's that are interesting to them... So I guess even though I feel I'm not in this category to the new t, I wanted to know if he still would work with me. He mentioned another name of a woman out in the county, and I immediately thought he is trying to get rid of me already...
Thing is, it took so much for me just to make that first stupid appt and go to him, that I wanted to just try and see him again. So I let him know that I wanted to try and see him again.

So my next appointment is next week.

Wahoo.

He is big on meditation, and wants me to try this. I have mixed thoughts sometimes about even being alive and alone... and meditation, I don't think, will fix this.

But he is big about we all gotta fix our own problems, I think. So if my situation and my thinking is going to get better, it's gotta be me who does it, and if the therapist says to try meditation, you know I'm going to try and please the therapsit. So guess I will give it a try even though I don't want to.

Guess that's all about the first appt with new t. I started crying cause I missed old t, and because new t is not old t and never will be. I miss old-t in ways I didn't even know were possible, and this is why it sucks and it's not healthy. Cause I need to accept he is gone and I will never ever see or hear from him ever again. That he is never coming back.

And that's that.