I'm so sorry for posting so much recently. I just feel so all over the place.

I don't know how I can feel so close to my T, and yet be so terrified of her. How does that even happen? It feels like so much tension, and every little thing from her either sends me in one direction or the other. I don't feel like I am consistent in what I think about her, even though she is incredibly consistent. How does this freaking relationship cause so much inner conflict? It feels like she has a magic wand or something.

I feel like I miss her so much in between appointments. Yet, I am also terrified of seeing her every single week. I feel like I am super close to her and yet like she's a million miles away. I feel like she knows me so well and yet like she's totally clueless about anything relating to me. I don't get it!!! How is this possible? Can't I just either love her or hate her?

When I first started going to therapy, I found myself struggling because I couldn't put her in a "box". I tend to organize my relationships into these boxes, where they are confined by what I am willing to share about myself, based on the other person. It's never based on what I want or need, but only based on what would make other people like me. But in therapy, everything is flipped. I don't have a box for this. She doesn't give me any hints or social cues about what she wants from me, she just allows me to be me. If it's messy and difficult, that's fine. If it's all put together and okay, that's fine. If it's something else, that's fine, too. And that's so scary because I don't know when I will do something that's not okay. I am not used to this!