I think I have gone as far as I can in therapy.

I told my therapist that one of the main reasons I continue with therapy is that I feel I have a hole in my heart. It allows all positive stuff to leak out so when times are rough I have no memories or feelings to hold on to. I told her it causes me great amounts of pain. I told her that despite being able to acknowledge the positive feelings, if they can't sustain me then life doesn't feel worth it. I end up coping through hurting myself because I genuinely do not know what else to do. She understood, she has watched me and been with me through it over the last few years. It's real.

I asked if it was simply who I am, an unhappy person. She said it might be, and then asked what I would do if it were. I gave her some options, one was to keep looking for someone to fill up the emptiness. She wondered if that person could be me, and I agreed it should be but part of me is too angry because I have only been able to rely on me and I am tired and angry at that. I cannot seem to let the rage go, the idea that if I do it will "let people get away with it". I don't even know what 'it' is or who I am so angry at. So I feel stuck and helpless.

I left feeling horrific. I can't continue with this pain, no matter how rational, functional and sensible I am, the pain is just as real. My self harm continues and is simply one tiny external manifestation of the pain. I understand I am sensitive and feel my emotions more intensely than others, and that how I feel is in no way pathological. I can accept I am sensitive, I cannot accept that I will always be in such pain. Should I have to?

I give up on my therapist, honestly I feel she is telling me to continue despite knowing the level of pain and how extreme it can get. I feel I'm being told this is me, I am pain.

I feel hopeless. I thought therapy might help me to reduce the pain, it has helped a lot but this main issue remains, and it seems as though it is simply because of who I am.