My session on Tuesday was very difficult, and T asked me to check in with her later that evening. I sent her a quick text message to let her know how I was doing, and she asked me to send her another update on Weds. So, I did, and in that text message, I asked if we could talk on the phone. The phone conversation was unsatisfying. T had a sudden change of plans and ended up taking the call from her car instead of her office - I just didn't feel very connected to her, so I finally just said I was fine and I'd see her next week. At the end of the call, T asked me to please check in with her over the next few days - just send her a text to let her know how I'm doing. I think she's a little worried I'll become sui, which is actually a valid concern.

Anyway, I'm supposed to send T an update today, and I haven't yet. I don't want to. I don't have anything new to tell her. Things are still difficult for me. Talking to her right now isn't going to help. I just need to work through this. Sending her a update is triggering to me, because my Mom tends to freak out if she hasn't heard from me within 24 hours (my brother killed himself over a decade ago, and my Mom panics if she doesn't hear from family often - it's her issue, I know). I already told T that I'm not going to do anything drastic or impulsive.

Part of me wants to send her a text that says "I promised an update but don't know what to say. I'm still alive." But, I'm afraid she'll misinterpret that as some kind of cry for help or something, when it's really more of just apathy and a general unwillingness to send her an update.