So I went to my 'closure' session on Tuesday. It was actually quite good in a way, and now I don't know if it I will finish, or keep going a while longer. My head's in a spin. I don't know if I'm right or wrong, old T said several times that if people don't respond to me in the way I exactly want then I get on my high horse and cut them out, and don't want what they're offering. I know there is a grain of truth in that, but I don't know if she's being fair. She also told me how much money she had spent to hire the room for all the free therapy, and I felt uncomfortable at this being used to prove that she cares. And said it was fine for the PA to be copied into emails because she has a psychology background

I had a session with a possible new T this evening. She was nice, and I liked her but, I'm overall so pleased with how my life is going at the minute, it felt like a waste of time. The most pressing issue is my old T, and that really is a mess and annoys me to think about it, but because I have loads of happy stuff going on it's very easy to not think of it, most of the time.

I am very happy at the minute (overall) but I also am quite distinctly alone in terms of intimate emotional relationships. If I focus on how alone I am, I rapidly feel miserable and worry about what is wrong with me, and crave stuff I used to have like sleeping entwined with a loved one. But if I just focus on how good my days are, well, then I am genuinely happy and content I have plenty of non-intimate, but fun and stimulating and pleasant, interaction with wonderful people who like me. So it's not like I am starved of human contact. In fact it's quite the opposite, I am so busy doing things I enjoy I am actually longing for time to be by myself and bask in solitude (have always been like this, need proper time to alone or I get stressed).

I also wonder about vulnerability. I can't be vulnerable, it took old T and I months of intensive block therapy to get to the brink of being vulnerable - when I think some really good work could have happened, but didn't because of our rupture - and I can't see myself being able to get to that point with the new woman, seeing her once a week, no contact in between. I think I would really value seeing her as someone to talk to and be supported, but I don't think I can do life-changing work anymore.

Am I running away from doing the work, or does it sound like I am at a good time to take a break and not worry about therapy for a while?