I've been having some pretty good days lately. Feeling as if I was really coming out of the depression -- and honestly as if I deserved that.

Then, a couple of things flipped me back into "I don't care about anything . . . Wish I were dead" mood:

-- Interview for a job I'd really like that they are not calling about

-- Interview for a job that offers a whole lot less pay and a whole lot more work than my last job -- and having to make up answers about how, oh, yes, I really don't mind at all

-- Realizing that my unemployment stash is perilously low, and I should be very grateful to any job and that I may have to give up this apartment and get into a roomate situation. Lots of people do it, but I'm in middle age, and I thought all that was behind me. I prefer to be alone most of the time, even though it may not be the best thing during depression.

And beyond all these "reasons why" I feel crappy, feeling crappy that I feel crappy, feeling that if I were a really good person I'd be grateful for all the things I do have -- relative health, some savings, this decent sublet at least til the end of the month, my first job interviews since I started looking in January -- so why don't I feel grateful and good?

Because I'm an ungrateful brat.