First let me say it is not my intention to offend anyone and if that happens, I apologize in advance. My only motivation here is to understand better the woman who raised me, who has Borderline Personality Disorder. In spite of everything, I do not hate her and I still respect her. I just can't talk to her anymore.

I want to describe my experience with my mother from my point of view in the hope that others can help me understand better what SHE was feeling because from my perspective, I've always thought everything she did was deliberate, and now I'm exploring the possibility (working towards probability) that she may not know or remember what she did. I am really struggling with this and if that's the case, then I have to re-think everything I ever believed about her, but I need help and my therapist thought it would be a good idea if I shared my thoughts here.

I am 52 years old. I have encouraged my mother to get treatment, but she won't have anything to do with it. I'm wondering if the reason she refuses to even discuss the possibility of getting treatment is because she doesn't know or remember what happened. OMG am I struggling with that thought!!

I've been terrified of her since I can remember because while she has her good days, she can be suddenly volatile and violent without warning or from my perspective, reason. I've often described her as being like a tornado. She tears through life and like a tornado, never bothers to look behind her to see the destruction she has done.

By the time I was 40 or so, things got so bad, I felt I had no choice but to end my relationship with her for my own protection. After 7 years of no communication, I tried again to have a mother-daughter relationship with her, but in the end, I walked away again because all I could see happening was that she was sucking me back in again. I found myself yet again doing and saying whatever she wanted to hear to appease her. I always did that as a kid and young adult because I was literally afraid that she would kill me if I didn't. Whether that was rational or not, I don't know. It's definitely what I believed at the time.

It's been 3 years since I last had any contact with her. I went back into therapy a few months ago. At the time, I said I just wanted to get the woman (mom) out of my head. Now I'm re-thinking everything. I'm wondering why it is that I have the protective instincts of a she-bear when it comes to protecting my children and grandchild from her if necessary, but I can't do it for myself. That leads to the thought that if she doesn't know or remember hurting me, and I can't protect myself - for whatever reason I'm still working on with my T - does that make her even more dangerous?

I'll stop for now...