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Originally Posted by Werewoman
First let me say it is not my intention to offend anyone and if that happens, I apologize in advance. My only motivation here is to understand better the woman who raised me, who has Borderline Personality Disorder. In spite of everything, I do not hate her and I still respect her. I just can't talk to her anymore.
I want to describe my experience with my mother from my point of view in the hope that others can help me understand better what SHE was feeling because from my perspective, I've always thought everything she did was deliberate, and now I'm exploring the possibility (working towards probability) that she may not know or remember what she did. I am really struggling with this and if that's the case, then I have to re-think everything I ever believed about her, but I need help and my therapist thought it would be a good idea if I shared my thoughts here.
I am 52 years old. I have encouraged my mother to get treatment, but she won't have anything to do with it. I'm wondering if the reason she refuses to even discuss the possibility of getting treatment is because she doesn't know or remember what happened. OMG am I struggling with that thought!!
I've been terrified of her since I can remember because while she has her good days, she can be suddenly volatile and violent without warning or from my perspective, reason. I've often described her as being like a tornado. She tears through life and like a tornado, never bothers to look behind her to see the destruction she has done.
By the time I was 40 or so, things got so bad, I felt I had no choice but to end my relationship with her for my own protection. After 7 years of no communication, I tried again to have a mother-daughter relationship with her, but in the end, I walked away again because all I could see happening was that she was sucking me back in again. I found myself yet again doing and saying whatever she wanted to hear to appease her. I always did that as a kid and young adult because I was literally afraid that she would kill me if I didn't. Whether that was rational or not, I don't know. It's definitely what I believed at the time.
It's been 3 years since I last had any contact with her. I went back into therapy a few months ago. At the time, I said I just wanted to get the woman (mom) out of my head. Now I'm re-thinking everything. I'm wondering why it is that I have the protective instincts of a she-bear when it comes to protecting my children and grandchild from her if necessary, but I can't do it for myself. That leads to the thought that if she doesn't know or remember hurting me, and I can't protect myself - for whatever reason I'm still working on with my T - does that make her even more dangerous?
I'll stop for now...
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Okay...first I am dx BPD, I am a mother of two fantastic kids, and I have been this way for as long as I can remember....but NOT A DAY goes by that I don't feel shame, saddness, and humiliation for some of the things I've done. I have done FAR more damage to myself, than anyone around me---not to negate the things I did do, but they were nothing like you are saying about your mother.
People with BPD don't 'just not care', not feel, or pretend it never happened.......if anything we FEEL TOO MUCH and NEVER forget anything...we will be okay with something and then 2 days later it comes back up to hurt us all over again. There are rapid cyclers (I'm one, and experience the whole cornucopia of emotions hourly) and others who may have days of being 'okay' or depressed, or manic (our version of happy) just before we crash again. This happens for most of us, all day long.
BPD's have been called manipulative but this is a shallow exercise in what we really are because we don't set out to manipulate anyone. If we are hurt, by a slight that most non's would find understandable, we may panic--certain the person who has hurt us will leave us--then we crash and burn...to some nons that is manipulative because their reaction (for the most part, until they get sick of us) is to support, nurture...ensure and endure our perceived tantrums and tears. But we all KNOW they will eventually get sick of us. Everyone does, you see. There are so many relationships we lost just because we held on too much, clung like pathetic burrs on the ankles of those we loved so passionately and were terrified of losing. We are our own worst enemy. But we love intensely, we hurt intensely, and we don't butcher souls...other than perhaps our own.
What you describe sounds much more like either a narcissist or someone with anti-social personality disorder. Both are experts at manipulation, hurt without looking back at 'wreckage', care little if you are in their lives or not, and are perfectly willing to 'suck you back in' at a moments opportunity.
So while I totally understand your question...I wonder if the diagnosis of your mother is correct. Because from what I know (and I'm 55 this year, and had a NPD mother), this is NOT the actions of someone with Borderline Personality Disorder.
To get a great idea of what we go thru every day, check out the thread 'you know you're BPD when...' ---the posts are funny and tragic as well. We know very well there is something not right about us. NPD's refuse to admit it, cause they don't see it...it's just the way they are. ASPD's same, for different reasons.
I hope this helps, and I"m sorry to hear about how much pain your mother put your thru growing up. If she is really what I think she is, I can relate completely.
Take care
