Please know, your pain and struggles are not something to be measured and compared-- hurt is hurt. Your struggles are not petty --they are struggles for you.

I may be way off here-- but, it seems to me that your feeling affection and closeness towards your abuser is-- in your case a healthy step. You stated that she's gotten better recently.... maybe something inside you understands it wasn't all intentional and that she's getting better is helping you to also get better. What good would it do to hold ill feelings towards a person if they are improving?.....(sorry-- I'm not very good at expressing things)--
I'm trying to say that I think it's a step in a healing direction if you and her can put the past behind and make a better present and future. It's fortunate if she is indeed improving, I am glad for you. (I sure wish I could say that about my situation )

I think if the past is different than the present--in a better way-- then one should embrace the new better way and not hold on to the hurtful past that is gone and will not be repeated.

It might feel that hating her is more "normal" because that's what you've been used to-- a new outlook always feels strange or uncomfortable until we "wear" it for a while.

I like to hear about others improving--- helps me to hold on to hope...... maybe "impossible hope" in my case-- but I've always been one to be a dreamer.

Take care -- and I hope you keep us informed as to how things are going--
I'm cheering for you!

mandy