Hi UM, you'll be kind of expecting this from me maybe but maybe full "satisfaction" could lie elsewhere too, somewhere that doesn't hurt, or need hurt to make it real??
I'm always going to say that you deserve so much more than this, but I do know that it really isn't that easy for you.
So maybe focus on as much satisfaction you can get from other things a bit more to help redress and start turning that balance, do you think?? Whether that for you at the time is expressing/letting out what you feel (in a "healthy" way!!), through focusing on things that mean something to you, through finding things that might start to mean something to you......
But above anything else just try to stay safe, please. And you'll know anyway, that once you up the "satisfaction", you're going to gradually want to up it again......and again..........and.......
So perhaps the kind of "satisfaction" that isn't serrated (the safe kind of satisfaction) is the one that's going to demand less, that's going to be more fulfilling in the long run, that isn't going to want more.
I know it's really hard, but sometimes the longer you can keep the urges from leading you onto..............the less persistent/loud they can become over time.
Try to hang in there, and if you want to talk..............
Alison