Was at my parents yesterday going through some books that were salvaged from my house after the fire. Not many were saved - I pretty much had a whole room full plus more elsewhere in the living room and bedroom. Seems the bedroom ones were the only ones that can be wiped off and kept. Others are all moldy from firehose water and were drenched pretty well. The ones in the study just completely gone. Nothing left in that room at all. They were keeping them in their garage, and their whole garage has that nightmarish smoky smell that makes me cringe. Anyway, most of my Thoreau (fave author) are going to have to be thrown away. As well as some other favorites. That in itself is sad and got me down, but then as I was looking I came upon a Wal-Mart picture envelope. What pics could these be?? So I opened it up to discover pictures the neighbor had taken of our fire in case we needed them for insurance. There in front of my face again was my house ablaze in the darkness. I had actually forgotten what it looked like, though I watched it for 3 hours. All I really remembered was the thick black smoke billowing from the roof and a weird orange glow in the living room that I think was our kerosene heater. At first I thought maybe it would help me to expose myself to them. I only saw the first one. Cry and get it all out. Then I thought what if I made myself worse. Maybe I better not. So I put them away. Now I keep seeing that picture of my house with flames coming out the windows and thinking my cats were in there. I wish I hadn't even seen the one picture. Feeling depressed today. And some anxiety because the husband has to do some work tomorrow with his nephew - any deviating from our normal routine gets my anxiety up and the "what if"s start.