hi all

haven't log on in awhile hope every one is hanging in there .

well my self help program is uh very questionable to say the least.
even though it kinda help me I still have daily bouts of depressed sadness

so this week has been so hard I feel I am falling backwards bad

I don't know for sure what triggered the bad bout I am experiencing

ok a friend was very ill terminal ... so I would go see him every morning and night .. just to talk and make sure he wasn't dead in his place .
well the last morning I went we talked and had coffee . it was about 10:30 am and I had to get to work so I said to him I need to leave so I will stop by tonight .... he said as soon as you leave so am I

30 MINUTES LATER HE PUT A BULLET IN HIS HEAD

if I hadn't left would he have not done it ?
I had no idea
now I know he had no quality of life hell he couldn't even stand or get to the toilet .... it was just a matter of days or weeks ...
so I feel he did a honorable thing as I don't see suicide under those conditions as wrong /// hell if we let are animals suffer like that we would get sued and arrested and fined so ???

I guess it just brought back all the things I have been trying to suppress
hell who am I kidding I am so screwed in my head any way ..
I am on no meds now I did see my doc 2 months ago and she said she could start me on something and I said NO I wonder if that was a bad decision
sorry for the ramble
peace and love to all

x