hey guys. it is hard to explain the feeling of disconnection. i guess i got the idea that he was mildly pissed at me in our last session.

but of course i'm probably projecting...

i was having some trouble with his secretary. i told her how i wanted the bill set up so i could send it on to the insurance company and things didn't go very well. i had a couple of issues - like my last name being spelt incorrectly and wanting her to list the full amount and not the amount i am contributing as well. she looked a little puzzled when i requested that and so i said i didn't want to make things any more complicated for the insurance company than things needed to be. that i was concerned they would get confused with the discrepancy between the full amount and the amount i pay. she said 'well, should the insurance company pay 80% of the full price when you are only contributing xx?' I left about then. Kind of fuming. I am NOT going to get into conversations about the ethics of sliding scales with my therapists secretary. To be fair she was looking a little flustered that morning and the phone kept ringing...

I wasn't sure what to do about that. I decided to tell him how I wanted the bill and see if he could get her to do that. I didn't much like that idea... Don't want it to look like I'm trying to split people into 'good t' and 'bad t's secretary'. But I did talk to him. And he walked out with me to talk to her... And she said that she was not able to set the bill up the way I wanted. And... I took a deep breath and tried to be non-hostile but assertive and said 'is that a limitation of the program you are using or is it an ethical thing for you'?

And t looked a little startled / surprised. And he left at that point (wisely choosing not to get involved I guess). I sorted it okay with his secretary in the end (it was a limitation of the program). I got to explain that the sliding scale rate works on my contribution and not on the total amount or the amount that is covered by insurance.

But next session... I think he was a bit annoyed with me. I didn't know how to explain where that comment came from without it looking like I was trying to run her down and justify myself etc etc. So he has no idea where that comment came from. And I figure he is a bit pissed with me. But maybe it is that I'm a bit pissed with him. That she said that (yeah I was pissed about that). That I can't explain where the comment came from because it will only make me look worse. Horrible all round. And of course I'm over reacting.

But I feel pretty disconnected.

He keeps saying that I should say that I don't want to talk about something if I don't want to. I've promised that I will do that. Or I will find some way of letting him know that I don't want to talk about it. I guess talking about our present relationship is one of those. Too embarrassing / humiliating for me.

Maybe part of this is about pushing him away before he leaves for a while. Don't need him anyway.