Personally I have decided I won't be having children. I am absolutely terrified of the damage I could do.

From my own experience when I am upset my emotions take over and I stop thinking. Nothing else matters I simply react. Those reactions aren't always good or easy on the person receiving them.

It's not until later, when I've calmed down that I kinda sit there and go; "OMG! I am a terrible person! Why would I do that?!" and promptly fall to beating myself up over it. Of course by that time the damage to the other person is already done.

The fact that my emotions are so easily triggered doesn't help either. The slightest perceived (and often it is just perceived.) issue can cause a full blown meltdown.

I don't tend to dissociate which is what I think you were leaning towards for your mother so I can't comment there but I understand many people have no memories of what happened during such states.

As far as not seeking treatment many BPD's are simply in denial. Being diagnosed with a serious mental illness is tough. No one wants to admit to that level of brokenness especially not one as stigmatized and looked down on as BPD.

I think it is good you don't hate her. Hate is often a barrier in your own healing.

I also think you are entirely right in cutting her from your life. You do not have to have someone in your life for any reason certainly not someone who is unhealthy and unwilling to get healthy.

I think I can understand why you have such trouble removing her from your own life. She's your mother, you feel some sort of loyalty to look out for her despite everything. After all she is broken...It's not really her fault? Right? (That is a phrase I often repeat to myself over my own parents I'm guessing you've felt similar.)

In the end though that doesn't matter. It is her responsibility to get better.

Even though you may feel this loyalty for yourself you know that isn't an actuality for your family and so you are better able to separate them and their safety.

People often seem to protect others better than they do themselves.