I'm a borderline mother and your mom sounds nothing like me.

I do my darndest to shield my daughter from my warped mind and over the top reactions, she's a huge reason I started therapy (I'm NOT a fan of the idea) and when it does spill over and affect her?

OMG do I feel aweful, worthless, ashamed, guilty, filled with self-loathing. I admit my wrong doing as soon as I identify it, apologize profusely and do my utmost to make it up to her.

Most of my BPD stuff is internalized, I harm myself and lash out at myself way more than I've ever done to any other humanbeing. But even so, it feels godawful when I do and I spend every sane moment thereafter trying to make it right. To make up for being so frucked up in the head...

I'm sorry you grew up with the mother you described. I'm faaar from perfect, but even I know you deserved wayyyy better.