Alexandra - that's great if you can actually adhere to a structure when you're depressed. Structure is the first thing to go for me. I drop everything and haven't any will power left to force myself. I just go to bed. No shower, no brushing teeth, no dinner, just tears and bed.

Currently, I have too much time and no idea what to do with it. I just got accepted to grad school so that will start creating familiar structure for me in September, but until then I end up pacing the house or petering out and getting depressed. I don't seem to be able to plan enough to keep going and once I wind down, I can't start up again. (I relate it to the theory of inertia - an object in motion tends to stay in motion, an object at rest tends to stay at rest.) I guess I'm searching for purpose. Routine bores me. But I do need something.

How do you build routine without it boring you silly and becoming something you force yourself to do? I lived for years on shear will-power and now I just can't bring myself to do that. It feels so horrid to force myself into anything.

And how do you know when you're just being avoidant - which is what I think I do or try to do when I fill everything up. Sometimes it feels like I'm stuffing myself with junk to keep something, some thought or realization or truth, at bay. I can't be still - I'm even addicted to thinking and can't seem to stop.

I really liked what you said Alexandra, "Kind of like how sweetpea plants need a frame for some structure but there are plenty of opportunities for them to pick the precise shape they will take on the frame." I'm going to meditate on it because I think you've hit something there for me. Perhaps I'm afraid that structure will take away choice or creativity, hmm.