I did email him and let him know that if he wanted to say something in response to anything in my email, and he thought it would actually be helpful [as opposed to the extremely unhelpful things he has been saying in session], then he was welcome to call me because I know he does not like email as a form of communication. If not, please don't call. So then he called me to say that I was right and that he really didn't have anything helpful to say and he should not call. Which actually made me laugh out loud. However, we did end up talking about what I see as inconsistencies and he basically said I misunderstood everything he said. So. I do not see how "I love you" can NOT be inconsistent with 'just a client' and that I am not special to him. But whatever. I lost sight of the fact that he is paid to care about me and that I am not the type of person to become special to others. I did not listen to you when you repeatedly warned about how wily and tricky Ts are. So I really just brought this on myself.

I am really REALLY pissed off at myself more than anything else. Quite literally from the time I was in the CRADLE, it has been pounded into me that I am not special, I do not inspire nurturing responses in others, and I am not particularly loveable. I do not know why I cannot learn this lesson and keep ****ing HOPING for something different. I ****ing hate hope. It needs to die.

I was thinking that I would delete parts of this after a little while because the conversation is unique enough that he would recognize it and be able to read other things I have written about him and that would be even more humiliating, but then I realized there is no way he cares enough to even look.