hehe. i was kind of hoping youd reply to this thread. i really wanted your opinion on all this so thank you much.
((((((((alex_k)))))))))) if you would like.
i absolutely get what you mean about emotional attunement ok. my first thoughts on this were 'how do you tell if the response is genuine?' but then i started thinking about this guy again (just as a concrete example i can focus on) and i guess it can expand a bit to other people i know.. though that will need more thought.
im not sure he actually asked me much about myself or i even talked much about me... because im so self conscious and afraid of people i really dont divulge stuff easily and when i make an effort to it always seems like im sort of a fish out of water. i have very strange ideas and interests and ways of looking at life compared to the people i come in contact with. i have interests in so many things but they rarely seem to correspond with other peoples interests except in fairly superficial ways. films are one of my more normal interests or music but the type of films and music are completely different from most peoples. i had someone stop a conversation dead a while ago by saying 'youre a post modernist!' and literally stalking off. sigh.
anyway where was all this going? right so im afraid to reveal an emotion or much of anything because i know i wont get the 'emotional attunement'. so ... am i looking for it from the wrong people? is my thinking distorted from not having the emotional attunement in the past so now im afraid even though i might get it now if i took the risk? (i really dont think thats it cos i do risk slightly sometimes and it backfires. see the comment about being a postmodernist above). or am i so weird and warped and in a world of my own that no one can give me that attunement? or is it that i need so much of it no one can give me as much as i need because im too needy? grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. i hate how every question answered leads to 15 more that arent! well. sometimes.

i like what you said too alex about empathising with others being draining. well. not like but lol empathised i guess. hehe. i seem to empathise well since so many people confide in me but it is so exhausting sometimes i just need to back away and hide out. so i know i interact unhealthily in that sense because there isnt that refueling balance there. thats something i really really need to work out and get under control.

about stepping up the the plate as a friend to this guy i sort of did that already. i sent him several text messages while he was at home for the funeral just saying i was thinking of him, asking how he was coping, saying i was there if he wanted to talk when he came back to college etc. and got polite thank yous to each. i assume he wasnt saying much back because duh. its not like i was even featuring on his radar with all he had going on. but after i only found out he was back from someone else and he didnt contact me at all i began to wonder so i stopped texting in case i was just adding to his stress. maybe i should ask him for lunch after one of the exams this week or something...

anyhow. thanks so much for responding and no hassle if you havent read this insanely long waffle! cant believe im writing all this out 'in public'. guess i must be feeling safer here.
thanks again to everyone else who responded on this thread too. it means a lot. i think it makes me feel a bit... connected?