In every instance that I've kissed or had sexual contact with a guy, it was fine, but I felt NOTHING. I've never been completely sober, but I'm not always completely drunk either so I don't know if the alcohol made it impossible for me to enjoy it at all.

I've felt attracted to girls before, but I've never so much as kissed a girl. I've considered myself bisexual/polysexual, but after being with more than one guy and not deriving any more pleasure from being with them than I would from doing chores and I have no ability to orgasm (when I can jack myself off in like 2 minutes sometimes) even when they actually try to give me an orgasm.

I think the most telling thing is that I've never been able to enjoy kissing a guy. I don't straight up dislike it…it just feels like nothing. I might as well kiss my pillow. Hell, I'd probably feel more. Even as a teen (and completely sober), kissing did nothing for me.

So I don't know if this means I'm gay (or at least on the gay side of bisexual) or what. Maybe asexual? I just don't understand why I can't enjoy it at all. It's completely a chore, whether I like the guy or if it's a random stranger. Or maybe I've never liked the guy enough? Or it's because I'm always sort of forced into it…I mean I go along with it, but it's not like I can really say no. Or that saying no is going to actually ever stop them. Maybe delay them.

I'm just so confused. And frankly, hateful towards men. More so than I used to be.