Hello, since this is question overlaps several areas, I will be posting this twice.
To begin, I will introduce myself. I am a straight, 17 year old female. I am having serious anxiety over the unsurety of my having a paraphilia or simply OCD.
Since I was in early elementary school, I've found seatbelts extremely uncomfortable--this is due to me being strapped to an gurney when I was injured as a toddler and could not stay still. So, to cope with my dislike for seatbelts, I would masturbate in the car, normally under a blanket or coat. And while I masturbated, I would have these thoughts that I was a prisoner who needed to be punished. This eventually correlated into my watching and reading BDSM porn in middle school--I severely wished I never had.
The summer after my sophomore year, I suddenly had an aversion to masurbating to anything considered deviant. This is about the time I believe my alleged OCD kicked in. I scoured the Internet and found I might have fit a paraphilia. The idea of having a paraphilia has terrified me for nearly a year.
Now the part I am unclear of is whether or not a paraphilia can just go away. Currently, I have no need or desire really to watch/read BDSM porn or even have the desire to masturbate to a fantasy of it. I've had several BDSM dreams and awoke very distressed and disturbed. So, is it possible for a paraphilia to just go away? And can a child have a paraphilia? Did I have one as a kid? There is also confusion because the only stress this paraphilia has given me is the uncertainty of whether or not I have it.
As for the OCD aspect, I am constantly checking myself to see of I am turned on by something such as wearing a seatbelt. It seems as long as I do not think about the seatbelt, I hardly even notice it now. I am also constantly searching on the Internet in hopes of finding the elixir of anxiety, something that wiill
confirm/deny my suspicions and banish my worry.
I am also confused because for awhile, I had HOCD where I was terrified I was bisexual. I've also had incestuous intrusive thoughts that plagued me for awhile as well. I hate the fact that sexuality is so fluid. I keep telling myself if I just knew, I would be okay.
Any help is greatly appreciated.