I saw T on Thursday...we had so much to discuss, emotional things and some serious things that we needed to talk about.

He was about to answer a vulnerable question of mine, and he turned and put his folder and pen on the desk and suddenly I just freaked the f** out.
I have no idea what started it, nor do I remember parts of it...but at one point, he tried to come closer because he could see me get really afraid, I finally burbled out "get the **** back ." He never leaves me when dissociated because he knows that I think he keeps me safe when I am away....This is SOOO out of character for me. I truly think he is the only safe person in my life. He backed up and finally left the room to help me relax. Thus I felt scared and abandoned. It just could NOT have been worse. Almost wrecked on way home.

I feel awful and even though T and I talked briefly yesterday to clear the air, I just am too overwhelmed I am trying to fix it in my head. I am also doing self-destructive stuff to cope with these emotions and cannot stop the inundations of thoughts and feeling. I have been journaling and things to ground, but they are not helping a bit.

I don't know what to do. I feel like I cannot take this all back nor do I want to live with this pain. I've only reacted like this like once 4 years ago. I cannot figure it out, nor picture him doing anything but getting up and backhanding me.

I have been feeling very insecure and betrayed lately, which explains some of it, but I knew even as I started to freak out that T would not hurt me... I even thought someone else had come into the room...just knew they were there.

I'm really afraid for myself and my relationship with T. I know what I'm doing is wrong...but I can NOT stand the pain of losing the last person in my iife. And that is not an exaggeration.... I know that these behaviours are very wrong and have been fighting all day and last night. I'm hurting emotionally, mentally and now physically...

I'm just so out of control and even the basic things I do to calm have no effect on me. I just want to feel safe, but am making it all worse.

WB