Let this illness take over my body;
Let this illness take my mind;
Let me be, I want to be alone;
Let this illness hurt me like I hurt others;
Let this pain and suffering take total control;

So I dont have to deal with it anymore.

I am crazy, this I know. I am bad and ugly, this I know. I hate myself inside and out, this I know. I am lonely, this I know. I dont care anymore, this I know. I don't know health, happiness, love. All I know is sadness and it hurts so much inside. All I know is I am tired. All I know is I don't deserve to exist. To give up; I have been gone a long time ago. My mind is gone, my soul is gone, my heart is gone, and my sanity is gone. Where it went, I don't know. Did he take it, I don't know. Where I find it, I don't know. My future-ha, I don't know.

I phoned the childrens dad tonight; have agreed to what he wants. I can't help others when I am not here; mentally. No more fighting, its time to let go. Its time to settle. The Doctor I saw tonight; he said that the Judge will not change care at this point; I know this and have been kidding myself. I have heard this from many professionals already. I will not keep going into court and giving my children hope; there is no hope. They will be okay, they are strong.

He won; he won my mind, my heart, my pride, and took with him too much of me. He won't give it back so he can have it. I will sign the papers tomorrow. Then I can rest. Just so darn tired, I can't function like this. Got to let go.

itsjustme...............