I Si'd last night and for the first time I really hurt myself. Told T I wanted to get rid of all the "male" parts in me yesterday and am having controlling my plunging spirits. ALso overmedicating to get rid of dread and fear and shame. I haven't been this bad in so very long.
Our goal has been not to hospitalize and I haven't in over year and a half. I just feel like I've pushed everyone away and am so incredibly and inherently alone...the silence of the screaming in my head is just too much. Have tried the self-soothing things I normally do and nothing is working. It's like I've just split at the seams???

I went driving to get away from stuff in the house, have taken baths and showers, journaled, distracted, come here to be around people, drawn, and nothing is even touching what's happening inside. Like thousands of skipping rocks coming at me. I feel so naked and raw and incredibly ugly.

see you,
wb