I am sorry to hear that you are struggling so much right now and nothing seems to be working to make it better. do you think it is time to try the hospital again to give you a safe place to go for awhile? maybe talk to a pdoc about medication so you don't have to over medicate on your own? it sounds like you need more intensive treatment than you are currently getting. maybe t could see you more frequently to help you cope. praying for a few rays of sunshine in your life.