I found more from www.selfharm.net:

-I had unprotected sex with a porcupine.
-I took my lizards for a walk and they held on for dear life.
-The neighborhood cat and I had a disagreement about the paw prints on my truck.
-The police didn't comply with the terrorists' demands fast enough, so they took it out on us hostages.
-This first one is kind of lame, but it's what I use most often: "Um, uh...I, uh....you see....I...uh...Well,...." At which they usually try to help me out by replying, "Did you fall?" And I say, "Yes, thanks."
-Well, let me just tell you this: You should NEVER EVER, under ANY circumstances, go out with a guy/girl that you met on the internet.
-I hurt myself.
-I keep falling off of cliffs trying to catch that damned roadrunner.
-"I was oyster hunting." They give me a blank stare. Then I say, with a wink, "You've obviously never been oyster hunting before."
-"It's a long story." They usually leave me alone, but this one guy said, "I've got time." Then I said, "I fell. [long pause] Ok, so it's obviously not THAT long."
-I was at this party with Marilyn Manson and everyone was giving out hugs.
-I lost a fight with a can of tuna fish.
-I slipped while making a salad.
-I fell asleep, and the clown got me.
-I'll just put it this way: when they tell you not to feed the bears, it's for a damned good reason.
-I thought those security tags on pants just sprayed ink, but apparently they spray shards of broken glass, too.
-Those aren't cuts, they're mehendi.
-Don't worry about it. Because of me, they now have a warning label!
-What are you talking about?? (as I quickly pull my sleeves up.)
-Damn Cat.
-Well, when I was younger, I had this dream that a dog was following me...he ran, and I ran, but the faster I ran, the more he sped up. I wanted to get to safety, to my house...I was almost there...but right when I got to the front porch, he bit me. Everywhere. Lots of times. Making marks that don't look like bites at all. And when I woke up... ::wide eyes:: and I had THESE.
-"What scars?" They usually reply "those ones," to which I reply, "I don't see anything."
-The voices told me to do it.
-I wrestle Tigers...
-I got them climbing a fence to escape this hell-hole. (said at school)
(said to a guy who thinks I worship the devil) I did this as a sacramental offering to my dark lord, you prick. ::Smile::
(about scars on my stomach) "Oh, those are from having my baby." "You don't have a baby!" "No, but I could."
-None of your business, you stupid (insert appropriate curse word here)
-I did it. (Hey, honesty works sometimes)