Today I was to go for a walk with my daughter, to get me out. It's a walk I always enjoy. There's a street that goes on forever with all these great little shops and it's close to the water. The beach is where I've always spent my time when I was well.

I've not been sleeping well but the last two nights I've gotten 5 hours total. Just two hours last night. When she asked I said yes out of obligation and really didn't want to go.

So I sat here and stewed for awhile and eventually text her and said I couldn't do it, that I was just too tired and wanted to sleep. Which wasn't an excuse. I'm sooo exhausted and I know we aren't suppose to get tired out.

I feel horrible about flopping on her. She was upset, I tried to take it back and I said I'd go but she told me not to worry about it. I suggested that she come over tomorrow but she won't now. I probably won't hear from her for a few days now

I just cried afterward. So lonely but don't want to be around anyone. The days and nights are so long.

I'm just here. I'm told I have to just ride through it and most times I can accept that, then there are other times like now that It almost feels impossible

I've been to the doc, going to my T appts and taking my meds but it just seems that, although not so intense this mixed feeling lingers. yesterday was not a great day but after talking to a friend for quite awhile I felt better. It was a distraction, she helped. Then I'm back into it today. maybe it's just this whole sleep deprivation thing.