no worries about the slow reply. My panic about being a bother comes up, and sometimes I need reality checks on what is appropriate... feeling way too vulnerable these last few weeks, and more so these last 2 days. I know people have lives. I sometimes I wish I had more of one so I could get out of my own way at least some of the time... I'm off to try something new tomorrow with a local meetup group, so hoping I can pull myself together by the morning. I need to be all smiles and happy for that until I can actaully let go and enjoy the experience. I love outdoors and the water, so it should be easy to slip into a peaceful state there (I hope... I really hope).

I think, becuse I have such strongly negative associations with my father, that I cringe at the thought of a father figure. I guess it's pretty gender-neutral in the long run, but should be supportive and helpful, as any parent should be... It sucks that so much loss is coming at an already difficult time of the year. And I don't know how to stop writing my own story (and thus increasing my guilt, depsression, and self-loathing) onto T's story... I think I am projecting way too much of myself onto her based on a few, vague statements. I was a clinician many moons ago... seeing her walk away to something "less intensive" triggers my own guilt over leaving my clients behind. It also triggers feeling abandoned. It keeps rolling together into a snowball that just gets bigger and bigger. I keep trying to tease it all out in my head, but I am not all that successful right now.
I'm still undecided abot seeking a referal, but the rational side of me says it would be the right thing to do (in terms of self-care)... I don't know. I am not sure where to turn for that right now. Most T's are notoriously poor at referrals here. It shocked me when I first moved here because I came from a culture of helping clients (and being helped by T's) to connect with other resources. It had never been acceptable to simply say "I don't know of anyone" and leave it at that. I'm no longer shocked by that in this state. Even hospitals have no resources outside of their "go-to" agency...
Thank you for responding. I'm sorry if I seem ungrateful or whiney at any point... I don't mean to be. I'm over-whelmed, and it comes off as snotty... sorry. I'm trying to work on presentation.