Hi,

Couple of hours ago I found myself looking at my very large stash of painkillers and wondering would it be a painless way to kill myself. Just to die in a opiate haze. It was just a passing thought but I've had such thoughts more often then I would like to admit. My mother woke me up this morning and said ''Put on a happy face to your nephew's christening ceremony for god's sake. It's time for you to get over things. You can't keep thinking about past forever.'' So my morning wasn't exactly the best..

My parents are much happier if I just pretend to be happy, so that is what I've been doing. It is just becoming harder and harder to fake happiness every day.. I feel like nobody understands that you can't just get over horrible traumas in a couple of therapy sessions.

I think I've also been disassociating. I just hate the person I've become. Why can't I be that smart and successful young person I once were? Simply getting out of bed has become a great challenge nowadays. I've been sleeping up to 16 hours a day.

My physical illness has also been getting a lot worse recently. I may only have 10-15 years to live (I'm 20). I'm also losing my hearing. I hate to say it, but I'm seeing less and less reasons to live anymore. I also agreed to an experimental treatment protocol a year ago and now I find myself subconsciously hoping that I die as a result of that treatment...